It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
