So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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