Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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