if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
