Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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