he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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