I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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