she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
