i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
