both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
