how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
