new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
