I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
