I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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