I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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