Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
