Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
