This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
