my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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