I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
