He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
