Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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