just tell him i said nine months
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
