we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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