Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's get the cat blown out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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