did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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