the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
