I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
