I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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