I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
