Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
