my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
