lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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