I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
