I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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