We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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