Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
