I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
