chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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