so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
