Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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