don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
