Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
