hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
