Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
