you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it