Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"