well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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