im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
