I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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