One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
