ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
