I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
