rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
