The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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