I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
