; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You are a genius and a whore.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
