I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
