I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
