My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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