I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
