two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
