last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
